Well it is nearly a fortnight into June and I must say that I am finding the weather most strange. One minute it is showering, the next minute flowering! Today I set out in the rain with flowery raincoat and polka dot umbrella...yet on the way home, not eight hours later, I was nearly overcome with heat from wearing my raincoat to walk home! I had to take it off and carry it in the end, and as I type this I have the windows all open and the sunshine streaming in!
Yesterday was a relentlessly rainy day which was such a shame, as I was went to a baby shower at a little cottage in the prettiest little village. If you close your eyes and imagine the quintessential English village with thatched cottages and roses around the door, you could almost step into that thought and be where I was yesterday! The garden was filled with the most glorious flowers, lots of bunting, and tea things in a gazebo. Alas the rain was so heavy and it was so windy, we had to abandon the garden to sit inside. I didn't mind too much though, becuase it was such a lovely cottage, the kind with lots of exposed beams inside, a piano, and a fireplace! After the gifts were opened, we had the most scrumptious buffet lunch, and then played a few party games. One where there was a lot of margin for trouble was where you had to cut a piece of string, the length of which you thought would fit around the baby bump exactly, and the nearest one! We were all sent home with pieces of fruit cake wrapped up in flowery napkins, and those who won the games took home minature potted roses too. What a delightful day, and only a shame that the weather echoed the theme of the day and showered!
To be honest, the weather is echoing my moods a bit at the moment. I still can't quite reconcile myself to the idea, or understand really, that at some as-of-yet-undefined point in the not-too-distant future, I will be leaving my lovely library where I have worked for 11 years, and all my friends there too. I don't know where or what I am leaving to go to, and it is so hard to think about it. When I am there, I feel so sad, looking at all the things and people I am going to miss. Silly things like the smell of the periodicals stack, or knowing it won't be me decorating the Christmas tree this year. Someone else will be sitting at my desk. I will be some unknown place other, but everyone else will be walking through the same doors as they always have, taking off their coats and starting the day. All those little insignificant but gem-like chats you have with someone while the kettle boils...all gone. I know I am lucky to have had so much for so long, but I still can't quite believe in it. It would help if I definitley knew when I was going, and where too. I have applied for another post within libraries at another library, but it may mean giving up my little library on top of the hill to do it.
Do I sound spoilt? I know that in this climate any job is a job worth having, but the thought of losing my big library, and then my little library for a new unknown library, and one that in all honesty I would only be going to for the sake of having a job, although I hope very much if I do go to I would come to love.....well, it is a hard thought. When I first heard I was being made redundant, apart from the horror and sadness of losing my job, I felt real terror about not having any job, and the financial aspects of it are a worry I must admit. On one hand I know I must have a job and as a wise friend said today, the worst that can happen if I am offered this job is that I hate it...but it would still be a job. But I can't help but wonder, is that enough? I don't expect to be handed a plum job on a plate, but is doing something you love somewhere you love too much to ask? Perhaps it sounds as if I have rose tinted spectacles on. I know a lot of people have to take a job they don't like to keep a wage coming in. I know many jobs are done out of necessity rather than love. But...I want more.
I have a friend who was forcibly moved library in a previous restructure, and whilst she was devestated at the time, has come to love her new life in her new library. Perhaps that will happen to me....I have a favourite quote, which I have mentioned before and goes something like this '..there have been many times when I have shed bitter tears, when if I had understood the situation better, I would have celebrated my good luck instead'. Another way of saying that everything happens for a reason, I suppose. What I really need to know is what my reason is, right now. That would help.
I feel so uncertain about everything. There is a big part of me that thinks maybe it is time to look outside of libraries, and although I would be so sad to leave, I feel like I have left in a way already. The problem is, I have no idea what to look for. I am not a big believer in stars and horoscopes, but I do think of them like a personal weather forecast. All of mine said that there would be many big changes for me this year, and recently the theme of changes in career and jobs and perhaps money and travel come up. I wonder how it happens? And yet I know I have to make it happen for myself. A dear friend this morning lent me a beautiful quote in a wooden frame which says 'the best way to your future is to create it'. Inspirational, but a little daunting at the same time.
The good news is that I am writing and crafting a lot at the moment. I hope I am not using it as a distraction from what I should be doing eg finding my way into a new future. I don't think so though, I think the crafting is soothing to me, and the writing is about me creating something. Who knows, maybe even a future? Ages ago, years ago actually, I had an idea for a series of children's books about two little girls. The stories would be gentle and simple, and within the story there would be lots of projects, crafts and recipes to make, so they would be both story books and project books all at the same time. I have finished a first draft of the first story, so at lest that is a step in the right direction.
Thinking showery, slightly gloomy thoughts, but also with little flashes of silver and happiness, I am reminded of that song from Les Miserables....Don't you fret, monsieur Marius, it's just a little fall of rain. A little fall of rain can hardly hurt me now, and rain will make the flowers grow...
Wherever you are, I hope there are flowers blooming in your garden, just enough rain to make them grow, and plenty of sun to shine upon them.